Hello Messenger readers:
I’m Robert (Bob) Duncan, (scribed@aol.com), new to Minnesota from Indiana to be closer to family because of my advanced age.
On December 18, 2011. I thought it timely to bring Santa’s story into the 21st. century augmenting Clement C. Moore’s brilliant 1823 A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS “ TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS…”.
Below is my offer for consideration.
Q&A with Santa
By Bob Duncan
WKKG Trutv moderator: Welcome to all who have come out on this rainy first day of April to participate in TRUTV’S final Q&A episode of KNOWING OUR LEGENDS.
From the git-go this series was specifically formatted to provide the public with in-depth and factual information about the legends permeating our cultures and societies throughout time. We’ve been extremely fortunate to bring to our stage eleven, now twelve, of those legends from around the globe. All graciously accepted questions from the audience, some answers startling.
Many revelations came forth. One being that wet hair does not cause colds as vociferously pointed out by Mother Nature. The Boogie Man, Ralph Edward Boogman, stunned everyone when he disclosed that he suffers from Phengophobia, a fear of daylight and open spaces. That’s why he hides under beds and in closets. And how can we ever forget Father Time showing up at the wrong time because he forgot to change the sand in his hour glass to daylight savings time?
Not all of our episodes were upbeat. Lady Godiva remarked that because of that one-time wardrobe malfunction she is forever banned from participating in children’s activities. The Tooth Fairy had to file for bankruptcy and Humpty Dumpty, because of his injuries could not have children, thusly, never married. He lives a sedentary life on a sunny Kansas farm with his aunt Rebecca Brooke.
It’s time to quit talking, wave the starting flag and bring in the big guy himself. Please welcome……..Santa Claus!
Applause, more applause, more applause.
Santa: Thank you, thank you, thank you so very, very much. Please, please…every one…please…sit down. Thanks also to you viewers out there for tuning in. I am honored to be the one chosen to close out the series. I’m touched…truly I am. Now, let’s get going! Who‘s first? You…yes you in the checkered jacket.
Covert reporter from ABC news: Do you still have my letters?
Santa: Of course, Carl. Next?
Richard Freeze from the St. Louis Gazette: When were you born?
Santa: I was firstly known as St. Nicholas of Myra, a Greek Christian Bishop in the fourth century AD.
Laurence Fish, city attorney: Then why do people call you Santa?
Santa: It’s analogous to someone calling Philip Phil.
Edna Rappaport from Foods Galore magazine: Have you always been fat?
Santa: No. Well……yes and no, I guess.
Britney England: rest stop manager exit 253: Do you always wear red?
Santa: What?
Britney again: Do you always wear red?
Santa: Oh.
Phil Weaver, efficiency plant manager from Pittsburgh: How many toys can your elves turn out per shift?
Santa: What elves?
Helen Gleez from Saskatchewan: Your elves. You know…your elves.
Santa: What in the world are you talking about? Elves? I don’t have any elves! There’s no such things as elves!
James Whitmoor of Atlanta: What is your favorite game?
Santa: Find the Needle in the Hay Stack! My best time is just under four weeks.
Kenneth Orlando from Florida: Hi Santa. I’m Kenny Orlando.
Santa: I know. Tell Grandma Junita I said “hey”.
Kenneth again: If there are no elves to help you, how can you make all those toys by yourself?
Santa: I don’t make any toys.
Wilma Louise Logan from the upper east side of Boston: If you don’t make the toys, where do they come from?
Santa: From you all.
Wilma again: I don’t understand.
Santa: They come from you, moms and dads, grandparents, aunts, friends. You put them under the trees. Do you actually believe anyone could visit 3.7 billion people in one night? What ARE you people smoking?
Student Janice Meltor: Ohhhhhhh…I get it!
Covert Carl from ABC news again: Get what?
Janice again: Duh!
Henry Maniken from Denver: So that means we’re your elves?
Santa: Elves, elves, elves. What is it with you people and elves?
Jesus Rodriques from El Salvador: How tall are you?
Santa: Five-one.
Jesus: ME TOO MAN!
Elsa Stern: Do reindeer really fly?
Santa: Not that I know of. Why?
Elsa again: Well….who pulls your sleigh?
Santa: Six huskies and Shorty, my lead dog. But it’s a sled not a sleigh.
Kevin Skinner from Texarkana: Do you have any hobbies?
Santa: Yes.
William P. Morgan hedge fund manager: Do you like cookies and milk?
Santa: I like milk but it doesn’t like me. I’m lactose intolerant. Cookies? No…not really.
Heloise Turnbough, seamstress from Mississippi: Do you keep a naughty and nice list?
Santa: Oh Goodness, no, no, no. My Lilly does all the paperwork. I suck at it.
LeRoy produce manager at 7-11: We’d like to meet her. Did she come with you?
Santa: No. She couldn’t get out of her hair and nails appointment. They charge for no-shows.
Thomas Find from New York City: What do you think about Rudolph’s red nose?
Santa: I don’t know. Maybe he should see a dermatologist.
Adrian Whitsel from Topeka: Santa, are you real or a figment of our imaginations?
Santa: “Yes”.
